Wednesday, October 24, 2001
Any doubt that these are the kinds of things Jerry Falwell would force on Americans if he had the chance? Hey, Jerry'd hold down those 8 year old girls if it meant an end to abortion! Nothing like removing the clitoris to make women want sex less! And since sex for pleasure, for the Taliban and the Falwellban, is a sin, then female circumcision is the answer!
Going to die if you give birth? Too bad! You have to die giving birth because God wants it. Pregnant as a result of rape? Too bad - you're having the baby anyway! Is that rock and roll or rap music? Ah, ah, ah! You're going to jail for that! Long hair, spiked hair, any hair other than Jerry says, and POW - off to jail with you!
We're familiar with ways to combat the Falwellban here in America. But women of Afghanistan have very little in terms of support for their captivity by the Taliban. The only women's rights group in Afghanistan is the Revolutionary Association of the Women of Afghanistan. This is the group the CIA should be helping, since so many men have died fighting wars in Afghanistan for the last 22 years, and the majority of the population is women. Apparently, they're not all that happy about life under the Taliban. Who would be happy living in a dark ages country ruled by religious fanatics like Jerry Falwell?
You know I love Jerry so much, and I want to help him so much, that I wrote him this letter full of good suggestions. You can write him too with your suggestions. He'll probably have his goon squad check me out now, but I'm not scared! I know my suggestions will help America see Jerry for what he is!
Subject: The answer to abortion and other sins of today
If women can't feel pleasure, then they wouldn't be out being promiscuous! They would only want to have sex to procreate. In some countries, they remove the whole clitoris. But we would only have to remove the part that gives women the most pleasure. This would greatly reduce pregnacy, especially amoung young women, since the procedure is usually performed on pre-pubescent girls.
Meanwhile, my plans for furthering your dream of a religiously run country, or theology, include banning all music other than gospel, banning certain haircuts and clothing, making adultery punishable by death, as well as pregnancy out of wedlock (death to the mother after the baby is born, of course), bring back paddling in schools - especally for students who don't pray, or who pray to a God other than Jesus Christ our savior.
To enforce these edicts, I think we should convince President Bush to begin a new Cabinet level department: The Ministry for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice. These federal law enforcement officials could travel around making sure people are ready for judgement day, pure in heart and free of sin. Finally, our Christian country will be Christian again! Anyone who dares to worship any God other than Jesus Christ, or anyone who dares to practist atheism or agnosticism, or anyone who worships Jesus in anyway other than the way you say is the CORRECT way, they will all be executed or deported!